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10 minutes to read

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On Dysphoria — Before, Enduring, and After

One of the most common themes in questions I get asked by folks is on the nature of dysphoria. How do you know your body is wrong? What does that feel like?  Communicating such a mental pain is really difficult so we reach for metaphors that hopefully can summon that particular misery, or some approximation

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My Transition

Five Years Later

I don’t like doing these. Not one bit. And I guess as I’m like.. literally a couple weeks away from one year since I started to medically transition like.. I’m doing them more because I’m worried about letting go of this and forgetting what it was like. I feel like remembering how much it hurt

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My Transition

The Weighted Clothes Trope: Better Than Ever

I think when we talk about transition we often talk about our bodies and not nearly enough about our mental health. I have dysphoria, dysmorphia, and PTSD. These three combine in some really troubling ways that can cripple my relationships and my life. Every year my symptoms reach their peak between May/June and September. My

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10 minutes to read

You beautiful soul.

I want to write to tell you I’m sorry.  I’ve been thinking about you today. I saw my reflection and it made me think of you.  I remember you, you know?  

I remember how scared, confused, and sad you were.  I imagine you just like you used to be, young and trying so desperately to avoid wearing blue jeans because that’s what they forced the boys to wear. 

I just want you to know that.. I.. I know what you’re going to go through and you don’t deserve any of it. You didn’t earn what happens to you, and it’s not your fault.   It isn’t fair, what happens next.   And it’s not your fault, but you’re going to survive.  I promise you, you’re going to survive.  You will claw your way here and I want you to know what that looks like.  Because I want you to have hope I never had. 

You deserve that hope.  I am so sorry I can’t send it back to you. You were so kind and curious and loving.  And I am so proud of the way you made it here and you didn’t let the world take that from you.  It took so much from you.  It took everything from you, but not that.  

And I know how you clung to that, that last shred of you.  You put on so many costumes and so many faces to make it here, to make it to me and I am so fucking proud of you. 

Tonight I saw you in my reflection and it was beautiful. I didn’t believe it at first. I thought I’d lost you.  But there you were and you looked.. god you looked so innocent.  This reflection of mine, it shows me scars and lines on me where I’ve cried and forced smiles but it’s never shown me you.  You have never been there, but today you were.  And I know that somewhere inside of me you saw that too and I hope you are happy because you can see it was worth it somehow. 

I wish I could send you this. I wish for just one second I could take away that feeling you had that you were so alone. Just for a second I wanna show you the future and that you have amazing friends and relationships and that one day, after all that you go through, this body will be yours again.  I have this image of you in your orange Chicago Bears t-shirt and those boxers you thought were shorts — and you’re sitting on that carpet in your bedroom surrounded by all that blue, writing stories about aliens in junkyards and princesses.   And gosh, I just.. 

I want to go back to you. I wish I could show you the woman you grow to be, and I wish I could tell you who I plan to be.  I wish you could know your name.  There is so much love here and you don’t have an easy life.  You’re not rich or beautiful.  You’re gonna work hard and struggle. And you’re gonna worry all the time.  But you’re here and you wake up every day and you put that best part of you forward and all the things you saw and all the things that were done to you… it’s cruel to say but they help make you.  And there’s so much beauty here, and I think there’s beauty in you.  In me.  You still cry when you see rainbows in the frost, I promise you do.  It’s just as beautiful now as it was then. 

It breaks my heart to know how you’re going to suffer.  I would give anything to go back and comfort you, just for a minute. I wish I could just hold you. I wish I could give you a hug and show you who you are going to become.  I wish I could show you that the future is hard but you’re in it. I wish you didn’t have to take it on faith every night that waking up in the morning was going to be worth it.  

And I am so fucking sorry for how long it took me to get here.  I wish I’d known.  I wish I’d started sooner.  I wish I’d done the work and started to heal sooner.  I dragged you through years of torment to get here and god I am so sorry for that, Evey.  I hope you can forgive me for what I did, and for what I didn’t do.

I want you to know you’re going to be happy one day.  I love you.  I love everything you wanted to be and everything that you were.  I love you for having the strength to make it here and I am so sorry you needed it.  I want to make you proud.  I want to live up to the soul you were.

As much as I want to tell you it’s going to be ok, I just really hope you look at me and you’re happy with what you see.  I wish so badly that you could see what I’ve become, what you’ve become, and smile at that.  And I hope that’s true.  I hope I make you happy.  I hope I have earned the right to see you in my reflection.

I’ve missed you so much.  I just want to make you proud, because I’m proud of you.  I’ll always be proud of you. I promise I’ll always be proud of you, you beautiful soul. 

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Thank You

Thank you so much for taking the time to read this work. If you found this useful to you and you'd like to buy me a coffee or help support the site, you can use the links below.

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