Super broad question; how has the whole transition process (from egg cracking to like 17 seconds ago) affected your outlook on life? Or, what would the biggest changes be (for a little more clarity); ive been sitting with this question/concept for a few weeks now, and am curious what your take on it is
Oh gosh, like.. outlook on life. So… I’ve been pretty honest about the fact I was suicidal before I transitioned. Obviously my outlook wasn’t great but as I was thinking about your question I think there are a couple ways to look at this yeah?
My forecast was terrible. Life looked awful. I just wanted out of it. I used the phrase “opt out” a lot. But I don’t think that was my outlook, right that was my prediction of how it was gonna be.
My perspective was that life was.. I guess the word I’d use here is grey. I wrote in another piece about the Valley and the Forest, right? And like, that was my perspective. I eked out survival in an environment that was hostile to me.
What I didn’t talk about as much was who you have to be to live like that, right? Like.. I talked about the things I carried as a metaphor but the tools that kept me alive in that place were isolation, harshness, ego, spite, bitterness, and sometimes anger and outright cruelty. And they say when you have a hammer everything’s a nail, right? And this is kind of like that. My situation demanded those tools, and those tools informed how I saw my problems and therefor my outlook on everything. I still think a lot about that and the way I inflicted that on other people but that’s a different question.
I’m grateful to myself for clinging on to whatever I could find to survive. I made it here, right? I’m in the forest now and those same tools aren’t necessary or helpful here. I think right now my outlook is that I’m kind of an explorer. It feels like every day I discover something new about myself or see some new beauty in the world that was invisible to me before. I live for those moments at this point and I don’t know that I’ll ever run out of them. I catch myself saying things like “I guess I’m the kind of girl who…” a lot, because I try so many new things now and most of the next experiences I have are absolutely delightful.
So now my tools are very different you know? I’d like to think my toolkit is honesty, kindness, gratitude, compassion, excitement, and love now. I hope so! And if I’m not currently using those tools to their best, well I hope people are patient with me because I’m still learning, too. And I think that really has altered my outlook from survival to discovery but also love and preservation you know? I see a lot of beauty in the world these days, lotta beautiful plants trying to put down roots in harsh in environments and I see myself as trying to support that and I hope I live long enough to get to enjoy some of the fruits of that.