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My Transition

Tragedy and Transition: Grieving as a New Person

I lost my darling husky, Rosa, on January 7th. We had eight amazing, frustrating, beautiful years together with my other husky, Misha. The decision to let her rest was the hardest choice I’ve ever made in my life. She was my family. Since then, I’ve grieved her and tried to get my life in order.

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My Transition

Go Be The Stars

Hey, Evey. I recall once I was sitting at a table and suddenly I felt a pit open up inside me, a deep grief for the childhood version of me who wouldn’t recognize me today. I hoped she’d be proud of me, but most importantly I hoped I’d see a twinkle in her eyes when

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My Transition

Sealed Away — Back In The Closet

For nearly the last 10 days I have been in relative isolation as COVID—19 starts its growth in the United States. The grocery stores have been sold out, businesses are closed. Social life in my city has more or less slowed to a crawl. Fear and apprehension lay like a blanket of tar across the

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This Orange Shirt

Funny thing. This orange shirt has become this WEIRD water mark in terms of like “How’s my body transition coming along” and I don’t know why my brain landed on it this way but here we are.

I find clothing that hides my shape to be really distressing. I feel like one of the few things I have going for me in a passing way is my general midsection area from like my shoulders down so when clothing masks that my brain goes immediately into dysphoria mode and it’s super troublesome.

And so we have this weird orange shirt. It was the right size for me before I started losing weight and then it got very very very loose and it made me dysphoric. I remember I set this kind of weird watermark for myself that I wouldn’t be satisfied until it looked like I’d stolen all my old clothes from my boyfriend. For some reason this orange shirt is how I judge if that’s happening. Dysmorphia and Dysphoria are weird. I remember the first photo on the left was like.. the first time I felt like that was actually maybe achievable for me.

I’m starting to feel better about it. I sometimes wear my old hoodie that my dad got me and that feels good because I like that hoodie and I was scared it was gonna be in the donate pile as something I couldn’t wear without feeling sick. Now it can be in the comfy-day section and that makes me happy.

Anyway I’m making a measure of this as progress because I do feel like I’ve progressed, looking at these photos but if you asked me what was actually different on me I’m not sure I could say but I know I look different? I feel different? I feel happier and happier wearing this shirt, and that tells me progress is happening SOMEWHERE.

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Thank You

Thank you so much for taking the time to read this work. If you found this useful to you and you'd like to buy me a coffee or help support the site, you can use the links below.

Thank You to These Patrons

Your support helps fund articles like these and all of my educational efforts. Without you, I couldn't do this work nearly as well.

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