This Orange Shirt

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Funny thing. This orange shirt has become this WEIRD water mark in terms of like “How’s my body transition coming along” and I don’t know why my brain landed on it this way but here we are.

I find clothing that hides my shape to be really distressing. I feel like one of the few things I have going for me in a passing way is my general midsection area from like my shoulders down so when clothing masks that my brain goes immediately into dysphoria mode and it’s super troublesome.

And so we have this weird orange shirt. It was the right size for me before I started losing weight and then it got very very very loose and it made me dysphoric. I remember I set this kind of weird watermark for myself that I wouldn’t be satisfied until it looked like I’d stolen all my old clothes from my boyfriend. For some reason this orange shirt is how I judge if that’s happening. Dysmorphia and Dysphoria are weird. I remember the first photo on the left was like.. the first time I felt like that was actually maybe achievable for me.

I’m starting to feel better about it. I sometimes wear my old hoodie that my dad got me and that feels good because I like that hoodie and I was scared it was gonna be in the donate pile as something I couldn’t wear without feeling sick. Now it can be in the comfy-day section and that makes me happy.

Anyway I’m making a measure of this as progress because I do feel like I’ve progressed, looking at these photos but if you asked me what was actually different on me I’m not sure I could say but I know I look different? I feel different? I feel happier and happier wearing this shirt, and that tells me progress is happening SOMEWHERE.

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