New Years Evey

New Years EVEY

Since it’s resolution time, I wanna reflect. This has been the most important year of my life. When this decade began I was, without mincing words, dysfunctional and toxic. I have come so far in these years but particularly in this last one.

I haven’t earned every second chance I’ve been given and I didn’t deserve every hand that helped me up. 2010 me wouldn’t have expected me to be alive today, much less to be living.

The last few years have been unstable. I moved around, struggled with my mental health and my finances, graduated college, nearly died from an autoimmune disorder I didn’t know I had, traveled to Kenya, learned Russian, moved some more, started beautiful relationships and ended some others, and adopted my two beautiful dogs. I fought with my identity the whole time and I spent the entire decade trying so hard not to be me, and then I finally gave up on that effort and accepted myself. A couple years after that.. here I am. Now I’m a columnist and an activist and an advocate. I work with amazing trans folks helping to create a better environment for everyone, not just trans kids, to grow up. I’m genuinely proud of me for this decade because I look back on it and feel horrible about the way I was — so I know I’ve grown.

And I think I’m ready to build for me now, and 2020 for me is all about my foundations and stability. I bought myself a printer so I could organize my life a little better using tools that I know work with my ADHD and PTSD (printed checklists and the like). I’m working at scheduling my time better and budgeting better. I’m trying to save a little (though it’s so hard with the transition medical expenses). I’m building a pyramid and right now I’m working on the bottom layers so it doesn’t really feel like I’m getting anywhere but I hope this time next year I’m going to be able to look back and see that the things I’ve started doing for myself and the ways I’ve invested in me have elevated me and helped me to elevate other people.

So my resolution for 2020 and beyond is about habit and right effort. May the habits I’m learning and the effort I’m expending build bridges for me and for others to get us through the trials and struggles that we will inevitably have and help carry us to better places in our lives.