I don’t like doing these. Not one bit. And I guess as I’m like.. literally a couple weeks away from one year since I started to medically transition like.. I’m doing them more because I’m worried about letting go of this and forgetting what it was like.
I feel like remembering how much it hurt to be the person on the left is really important to me because it helps motivate me to do work for people so they never have to pretend to grow into people they aren’t. I think about trans kids a lot and I’m so grateful for the parents who support their children and stop them turning into something that makes them want to die.
I think this one might be the best photo of “before” that I ever did take. It’s funny how many little things haven’t changed like the stupid way I tilt my head for photos or the way I refuse to smile for a camera, but I’ll give a half cocked smirk, sure.
That was peak masc. I am pretty sure I remember that day. I think on that day I really thought I had it under control. I was trying so, so hard to be the person everyone told me I was. I remember how much work I put into very CAREFULLY shaping that facial hair to make sure my jaw line looked the proper amount of masculine or the amount of product I put into my hair to really get that “Italian boy” look.
It’s hardest for me to look back on days like this when I thought I was gonna make it. Kinda feels like I wasn’t strong enough, but like.. strong enough for what? To keep lying about it? And frankly it’s embarrassing to me. I hate people seeing photos of what I used to look like because I feel like that buries an image in their head of a person that never really existed and I hate that I ever even tried to be that person.
Anyway idk. Today I’m feeling like I’m gonna make it, but for different reasons this time. I don’t feel like I’m holding up some great burden and succeeding, which is how I felt on that day in 2015, so much as now I’m cutting out a path for myself and I feel like I’m really gonna get where I’m going. That feels nice, even if looking behind me doesn’t.