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My Transition

The Skipping Stone: Where Will Transition Take Me?

When I was a little girl in West Virginia, like really little, the nearest big toy store was about 45 minutes away. I didn’t really want for material things when I was a kid. We weren’t rich, but I never lacked. I was lucky that way. My father worked very hard and I had plenty

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Moments

Thank You.

Trans folks call ourselves eggs when we talk about “the time before.” The people we had to be, the roles we had to act out, those were our shells. Realizing you’re trans is “hatching.” We talk a lot about the hatching, breaking free of the restraints that gave us a shape and form that didn’t

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Moments

Bags of Exclamation Points: Traveling While Trans

As I’m typing this first draft at 5AM on my cell phone at a friend’s house near Philadelphia, I’m surrounded by bags of my possessions. A black cat, Padfoot, is sitting on my suitcase which contains changes of clothes, hormones, makeup, and so on. Today, we’re to go to a scheduled formal event for firefighters,

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Five Years Later

I don’t like doing these. Not one bit. And I guess as I’m like.. literally a couple weeks away from one year since I started to medically transition like.. I’m doing them more because I’m worried about letting go of this and forgetting what it was like.

I feel like remembering how much it hurt to be the person on the left is really important to me because it helps motivate me to do work for people so they never have to pretend to grow into people they aren’t. I think about trans kids a lot and I’m so grateful for the parents who support their children and stop them turning into something that makes them want to die.

I think this one might be the best photo of “before” that I ever did take. It’s funny how many little things haven’t changed like the stupid way I tilt my head for photos or the way I refuse to smile for a camera, but I’ll give a half cocked smirk, sure.

That was peak masc. I am pretty sure I remember that day. I think on that day I really thought I had it under control. I was trying so, so hard to be the person everyone told me I was. I remember how much work I put into very CAREFULLY shaping that facial hair to make sure my jaw line looked the proper amount of masculine or the amount of product I put into my hair to really get that “Italian boy” look.

It’s hardest for me to look back on days like this when I thought I was gonna make it. Kinda feels like I wasn’t strong enough, but like.. strong enough for what? To keep lying about it? And frankly it’s embarrassing to me. I hate people seeing photos of what I used to look like because I feel like that buries an image in their head of a person that never really existed and I hate that I ever even tried to be that person.

Anyway idk. Today I’m feeling like I’m gonna make it, but for different reasons this time. I don’t feel like I’m holding up some great burden and succeeding, which is how I felt on that day in 2015, so much as now I’m cutting out a path for myself and I feel like I’m really gonna get where I’m going. That feels nice, even if looking behind me doesn’t.

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Thank You

Thank you so much for taking the time to read this work. If you found this useful to you and you'd like to buy me a coffee or help support the site, you can use the links below.

Thank You to These Patrons

Your support helps fund articles like these and all of my educational efforts. Without you, I couldn't do this work nearly as well.

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